Friday, June 3, 2011

A Bleeding Heart

I need to be clear tonight. I have always been told that I am good at putting my heart onto paper. I agree and to be honest, nothing feels as freeing or energizing as when a writer is able to communicate his heart through his words. But lately, I feel like I've lost that touch. I miss the private, intimate interaction with the page as I pour my heart onto it. Yes, God's been moving in awesome ways, uniting people in love and gaping chasms and destroying walls. But I feel dry. I feel lacking and incomplete. I think it's because I've started to care too much about what people think about me, so I try to reword what my heart is really trying to say. Sometimes, that's very necessary and very good, because the heart is deceitful; who can understand it? But I've let my concern for my reputation get in the way of being me. So tonight, I want to bleed my heart onto this page.

Funny thing about writing is that when a writing screams, his readers hear a shout. When a writer is raising his voice, his readers hear normal conversation. Earlier, I wrote that "I feel dry. I feel lacking and incomplete." In my mind, those words were shouts; they were guttural cries venting my anger. But to you, my reader, perhaps you heard a low voice of desperation. At best, you might've heard me whispering about my issues. And yet I was screaming in anger, trying to make someone understand. Do you hear what I'm saying?

So when I write that I'm feeling dry, I don't just feel dry... I feel so much more.

And if I wrote that I was concerned about some things going on at church, that means things are not good, not good at all. And just in case you were wondering, I'm not talking about my youth pastor leaving. I'm still unsettled about that situation, but there's another problem at church and it's scary at how poorly I think it's being handled. I don't want to point fingers or name names, so I won't. But I'm witnessing something and I've been witnessing something happen for several months and to be honest, I'm learning how not to handle this type of situation by observing how it's being handled. I'm angry because it's a problem that affects me and it affects the rest of the church, and yet it hasn't been addressed.

Now think back to what I wrote earlier. Remember when I talked about the writer screaming but the reader hearing a shout instead? If it seemed that I was a little frustrated and agitated and upset and worried when wrote the previous paragraph, imagine how I really feel.

Now I don't want to wear my anger on my sleeve, because I don't always feel this way. I don't walk around all day in anger. I'm usually a happy guy who enjoys talking to people and making jokes and smiling all the time. But on this topic, yes, I'm upset about how it's going down. And I'm aware of Proverbs 12:16, which says, "A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult." It's just hard to watch this situation stall when something should've been done about it over half a year ago. I'm not showing my annoyance at once. I'm simply righteously angry.

I'd appreciate your prayers. I cannot do much about the situation at church myself, so all I can do is pray and hope for the best.

I have now bled all over this page. Thank you for reading my heart.


Ashley said...

*hugs* Just prayed.

Ashley said...

Man, I've had church issues before. I'll lift you and your church up in prayer, for real.