Throwback Thursdays: True Love Awaits

If you're a faithful reader of Letters From Logan, chances are that you've noticed that I don't write about purity as often as I used to. Why is that?

The answer is slightly complicated. The reason I haven't written about purity much lately is because my standards and opinions have been slowly changing and evolving.

Every single post I have written about purity was written before I ever got into my first real relationship. Abby and I have been dating for over five months now, and with that experience (which, honestly, isn't much) in my pocket, I have been slowly changing the way I look at purity.

At this point, you probably want an example of what I mean. I have long said I am saving my first kiss for my wedding day. That's changed. I kissed Abby a few months ago.

That may not seem like a big deal at all to you, but if you were to read all of my posts in which I say emphatically that I'm waiting until marriage to kiss, you'd probably be raising your eyebrows right now. So why change my standard? The answer to that is simple: I stopped being legalistic about it. I realized I was only saving my first kiss because I thought it make me look good and spiritual, which I guess it did. But my parents had also offered me $5,000 to save my kiss till marriage. No disrespect intended, Mom and Dad, but I think it's legalistic to not kiss my girlfriend for money. I confess it was the big reason I was saving my kiss. And you know what? I haven't felt the slightest tinge of guilt about kissing her. I love kissing her! It's one of the best feelings in the world!

But I do feel a little embarrassed about my attitude about purity. I viewed it with very legalistic eyes. That is why when I look at purity now, I judge it on what the Bible has to say. The Bible says to steer clear from sexual immorality, and to save sex till marriage; it doesn't say to wait till your wedding to lock lips. It's a whole lot simpler than I made it out to be.

So I share this old post with you because it's message is pretty basic: just wait until marriage to have sex. And I want you to understand the simplicity of purity. So many of us stress out about what is right and what is wrong to do before marriage. You know what I think? In a nutshell, you should save sex, and all things sexual relations-related, till marriage. I say that for two main reasons: 1) God says to save it, and 2) you don't want to be burnt out on it when you get married, do you?? The Bible is more than clear that it's wrong to mess around before marriage, and from a logical standpoint, whatever you do before marriage won't be as fun during marriage. So don't waste your fun! It's better to wait and let that anticipation and sexual tension build. Choose to be patient, the first quality of love.

So if you haven't yet, make the commitment to purity! If you think kissing before marriage is wrong, fine. But I challenge you to look at it through simple, Biblical lenses and see what you find. Purity can be really tricky and complicated; don't make it that way.  Follow God and He will guide you. True Love Awaits you if you do.

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Purity has been a popular topic amongst my blogger friends lately. I just read Disturbing View of Purity by LeaningOnHim and was left thoughtful by her unashamed stance on purity and sexual chastity. 

It disturbs me at the shame society places on virginity. Many people look down on virgins. Last summer, I bought a t-shirt that says in big letters on the front "Virginity Rocks", and the back of the shirt says "I'm loving my wife and I haven't even met her yet!" I wore that shirt to school one time, and for weeks people would make comments and ask me about that shirt. It was a bold declaration of my stance on sex. People took note of it and I was known for it. I joked with people that I didn't want to spend money on a purity ring, and a cheap t-shirt would suffice instead.

For some reason, the cliche "True love waits" is inscribed on most purity rings. I like to think about what that saying represents. It obviously states that true love waits for marriage to have sex. That's pretty basic. And it's true. If you really love your future spouse, you won't be sleeping around before marriage. What better way to love your husband or wife by saving yourself sexually for him or her? I won't hold it against my future wife if she has lost her virginity, but it will certainly make me happier and more comfortable if she had saved herself for me.

Why can't the saying be "True love awaits"? In my opinion, true love awaits husband and wife if both have saved themselves for marriage. It isn't that you can't love your spouse if you've lost your virginity, but saving your sexuality for marriage means you've cared about sexual purity your whole life. I'd say that's a very bold statement! So while there is complete redemption and forgiveness those who have squandered their purity away, true love awaits those who purposefully save their bodies until marriage.

Throwback Thursdays: Matching Wisdom With Romance

To start off Throwback Thursdays, I want to share a post with you that I wrote almost exactly a year ago. It's called Matching Wisdom With Romance, and in it, I talk about preparing for romance. As you read about about something God revealed to me, look for ways this information could be relevant to your life. There is a little something for everyone in this post. Whether you're single, dating, or married, you need wisdom to lead a life that glorifies and praises God. And that's what this post is all about: wisdom.

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God has been showing me some really cool things. I've been giving romance a lot of thought lately. I'm seventeen, a Senior in high school, already taking dual enrollment classes at the university I will attend after graduation. And I'm really beginning to wonder about the details of my love story. Of course, this is nothing new. I vented fully to my obsession with love in my post A Hopeless, Foolish Romantic. I'm a sucker for romance, so naturally, my own romance is of particular interest to me. And I'm now at the age where a lot of people often meet their spouse of begin to fall in love. My mom was eighteen and my dad was nineteen when they were wed. And many of my friends' parents were married in their late-teens to early-twenties.

I opened Boy Meets Girl by Joshua Harris again earlier this week. I love getting lost in the love stories he talks about. Those stories, and the wisdom Harris guides me to, are what keep me going when I get lonely. I read of such wonderful, Godly love that I can't help but dream of how my story will play out. And I by no means think it's wrong or a waste of time to do so. If I give my future marriage no thought, no hope, no planning now, it would never succeed. And so I've been taking it to God. I've been talking to God about it. And believe it or not...

God talked back.

I had been asking questions like, "God; when will I meet her?" and "Who is she?" and "When is your timing, God?" And God answered me. He didn't answer me directly, but Jesus hardly ever answered questions directly in His time on earth. Instead, this is how He talked to me: A few nights ago, I was sitting in my room praying for my future wife. I was asking God the same questions I mentioned just a few sentences ago. And out of nowhere, I had this sudden desire to read Boy Meets Girl. As I picked up the book, still unsure of what exactly to read, believe it or not, a voice in my head whispered that I should read page forty-eight. So what is on page forty-eight? The headline of the page is "Are You Ready for Courtship?" Cue the goosebumps. You bet God had my full attention. The page talked about matching wisdom with romance. Harris used the kite-and-string analogy to show how romance (the kite) always nosedives without wisdom the string). I took a mental note: If I want to get married, I'll need to be wiser first. But that isn't what shook me to my core. Right after the part about wisdom, Harris writes, "I talked to many couples... who ask, 'How do we know when it's the right time to start a courtship?' The basic answer to the question is that you're ready to start a courtship when you can match wisdom with romance." How incredible is that?! God showed me what I need to work on, and He encouraged me to stay strong in His name. I could hear Him saying, "You're so close. Don't give up now. I have a plan for you. It's a wonderful plan! And I can't wait for you to see it play out. But in order for that you happen, I need to you get ready. I need you to prepare. Because in order for Me to give away one of my daughters to you in a covenant of marriage, I'm going to need to see you prove yourself. To start, here is what I need you to work on: wisdom."

That was Wednesday. And God's been doing a lot of work in my heart since then. I've realized that I'm no longer itching to be in a relationship. In fact, I'll go even further to say that I know that right now isn't His timing. I know I'm not ready right now. It's still something I want really bad, and I get lonely a lot, but it's no longer an idol. I'm ready to follow Him and serve Him, even if He wants me to wait for ten years, or twenty years, or however many years. Luckily, I don't feel God calling me to wait that long, nor do I feel him calling me to a life of celibacy. I completely believe He has a Godly young lady out there for me, and that we will be united in marriage sooner than later. And I believe that in order for me to match romance with wisdom, I need to level up in wisdom. I've decided to study Proverbs. Where else would a guy look for wisdom? Proverbs oozes Godly wisdom and understanding. I believe God has commissioned me to seek His wisdom.

I believe there is a list of Godly characteristics every man should have before getting married. I'm still working on that list, but wisdom is definitely near the top, if not the top, of the list. If you please, pray for me in my path to wisdom. And please pray for Baby Justice and for Mrs. Karla (click here).

The Poisonous Effects of Legalism

Legalism is such a deadly poison. I think in many of us, there is this desire to make and to follow rules, a dangerous, underlying subconscious desire to make Christianity more about works and doing good things rather than on knowing Christ and growing closer to Him.

We read of this sin in the Bible when we read of the Israelites committing it over and over again by obeying all of the regulations and decrees God gave them, so they looked good on the outside. But they also served and sacrificed to other gods. In Jesus' day, the Pharisees did an excellent job of this committing this sin by turning the Law inside out and making the purpose of life to obey all of the rules rather than to know Him. The Roman Catholic Church also did (and is still doing) a splendid job of making faith more about man-made rules and traditions than on knowing God.

I know from experience what it is like to be legalistic. I used to be very legalistic when it came to romance. I was full of ignorance and indignation, and I fueled that with a strong legalistic streak.

I had this view of romance because I had an unrealistic view of how love and romance work. Because of that, I simply had an ignorant naivete.

One of my best examples is that I used to say that I wouldn't tell a girl "I love you" until I was married. But as I gave it more thought, I backed it down to not saying it till I get engaged. But this summer, I thought more and more about it and asked my girlfriend Abby what she thought. After we talked about it, I decided that if you mean it, you have no reason not to say it. Isn't it just legalistic to wait?

Another quick example I'd like to share with you is of how I planned on starting a relationship. I planned on not dating until I able to financially, physically, emotionally, and spiritually ready to be married, which sounds great, it really does. But I have since learned you will never be truly ready for marriage. It just isn't something you can be completely prepared for.

I was basically saying that I wasn't going to date till I got married. I literally said that I didn't want to date again till I had found my future spouse. That's dangerous for a few reasons: 1) I wouldn't be ready for a mature relationship, and 2) it would have been putting way too much pressure on my relationship. This kind of mindset essentially elevates dating to the same level as engagement, and that's an issue because that's not what dating is supposed to be.

In Colossians 2, the apostle Paul addresses the issue of legalism. Writing the church of Colossae, He says, "Since you died with Christ to the basic principles of this world, why, as though you still belonged to it, do you submit to its rules: ^'Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!'? These are all destined to perish with use, because they are based on human commands and teachings. Such regulations indeed have an appearance of wisdom, with their self-imposed worship, their false humility and their harsh treatment of the body, but they lack any value in restraining sensual indulgence." 

I place emphasis on that last verse because of how straightforward and blunt it is. It embodies the exact point I wish to make. And my point is that the truth we often miss is that we no longer have to live according to any law. I know that may sound sacrilegious, but Jesus died so that the law, with its codes and written regulations, would be canceled. Christ died on the cross so that we can have a personal and intimate relationship with Him, thus forgoing all of the sacrifices and rules and regulations. As such, we are no longer required to follow a set of man-made rules or human traditions. We are set free from those things!

Our obligation is no longer to follow the law, but to follow and obey the Spirit. To know God and to know His heart, we must walk daily with the Spirit. To please God, we won't succeed just by obeying a law. God desires an intimate relationship with us, and we must walk in His Spirit to know Him. Paul writes in Galatians 5, "You who are trying to be justified by law have been alienated from Christ; you have fallen away from grace. But by faith we eagerly await through the Spirit the righteousness for which we hope." We are called to live by the Spirit, not by any law or code or set of rules.

So how can we know we are walking in God's Spirit? We know we are following His ways based on the fruit we bear.

In Matthew 7, Jesus tells us that we can recognize people by the fruit that they bear. He says, "Likewise every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, and a bad tree cannot bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus, by their fruit you will recognize them." So we will recognize people based on the fruit they bear. And what kind of fruit should we want to bear? Well, since we should be walking in the Spirit, we should be bearing the fruit of the Spirit.

"The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. Against such things there is no law." ~Galatians 5:22

Impatience, Curiosity, and Hormones

Two of my biggest struggles have always been with lust and temptation. I'm very romantic and I absolutely love romance, and my girlfriend will testify to that! So it's probably only fitting that one of my biggest strengths is also one of my biggest weaknesses.

Over the years, I've learned a lot of good techniques that help me avoid stumbling in sin, and I've love to share some of them with you. But before we dive in, let's get the record straight on something: When it comes to beliefs and standards, many people try to categorize everything into black and white. Something is either righteous or it's sinful, and there's no in between. I disagree with that view. I think this viewpoint is almost accurate, but it still falls short. I believe that there are absolute truths, convictions, and preferences. And what do I mean by that?

Absolute truths are the timeless, boundless truth that the Bible says, and these truths are relevant no matter how old we are, what denomination we belong to, or where we are from. We should all agree with these truths. In relation to our current topic on temptation, saying that sex before or outside of marriage is a sin is an excellent example of an absolute truth. The Bible is more than clear that sex is to kept inside marriage and thus it is a Biblical truth, an absolute truth.

But what about convictions? A good example is kissing before marriage. The Bible doesn't say we should or shouldn't kiss, so the decision is then left to our discretion. In other words, it's an issue of personal conviction. I have the conviction that I should wait till marriage to kiss. I think that if you won't kiss someone who isn't your spouse while you are married, you shouldn't do it before you are married. I also know that kissing can be hard to stop, and I don't want to put myself in a situation where I could lose control. Plus, I think saving my first kiss will just make kissing that much more special when I am married. But it's important for me to remember these are just my convictions and opinions, and that it'd be unfair to judge others who don't share my convictions.

So then what are preferences? Well, a preference is just that: a preference. I think we as Christians fight more over preferences than anything else, which truly reveals our selfish nature. Some Christians prefer hymns over contemporary worship music; some prefer small churches over big churches; some prefer working with youth over working with the elderly. These are all matters of preferences. I prefer Chick-fil-A and Sonic over fast food restaurants. I prefer alternative and punk music over rap and gospel. I prefer fun and creative dates (like going to the children's section of Barnes & Noble and reading your favorite children's books to each other) over going on a hike together. Those are things I prefer, and plenty of other people will prefer a plethora of other things. They are not worth fighting or arguing over which preference is better or worse, because they are just preferences. And just a hint: it'd be wise to learn as much about your boyfriend's or girlfriend's preferences as possible.

With our newly acquired knowledge about absolute truths, convictions, and preferences in mind, it's time to get down to business. As I said, sexual temptation has long been one of my biggest struggles. And it's such a hard thing to fight sometimes. But I think the best technique to fighting temptation is to start thinking with an eternal perspective. After all, the thing about sexual temptation is that it is a combination of impatience, curiosity, and hormones. There's honestly not much you can do about your hormones, but you can do something about your impatience and curiosity.

I choose to look at it this way: either the person you are with is who you will spend your whole life with, or that is not the person God has for you. Either way, it's best to be patient and to move slowly. It's best in the former because you have your whole lives together, so there's no need to be hasty or impatient, and it's best in the latter because you will regret it if you move too fast or if you give too much of yourself away to someone who isn't your future spouse.

A great example is that I want nothing more than to kiss my girlfriend Abby on the lips. I desire it so much, and the romantic (and the hormones) sometime just scream for me to kiss her. Even just a simple good-night kiss would be enough. But I have the conviction to wait until I am married to kiss. And let me tell you: my girlfriend is the best! Even though she doesn't share my conviction about kissing, she does respect it and she's so good about being patient. We've learned to set aside the desire and to focus on the long-term goals.

The best thing to do is to try to not make a decision you could possibly regret one day. For example, I know I would regret kissing Abby because I want to save that for my wedding, a wedding that could very possibly be ours. I've learned that you can't let your impatience and your curiosity drive you or you'll have nothing but regret and shame. So my advice is to decide what your convictions are and then to build your resolve and strength so when you are tested and tempted, you'll have it in you to say no.

I'm not going to try to tell you what is "okay" and "wrong" for you to do. I do, however, believe that the Bible says certain things are wrong and sinful. From reading Scripture, I believe that pre-marital or exra-marital sex is wrong, along with oral sex, nudity, touching/petting, and lustful thoughts. But I think the rest is up for you to decide, and it's something to talk about with your boyfriend/girlfriend. My advice is for you as a couple to decide what your convictions are so that in case you get into a moment of temptation, you'll know where you both stand. It is easier to fight temptation and hormones when you are both in sound agreement on your convictions. Here are some example questions: Should we kiss or should we wait until the wedding day? If we think kissing is okay, then what about making out? Or what about necking? What do we think about snuggling? What kind of PDA is appropriate in church? Where should our hands not go and where is it okay for them to go?

All of your decisions should be made after thoroughly studying Scripture, after spending considerable time in prayer, and after talking with your boyfriend or girlfriend. It also never hurts to ask your parents, youth pastor, or pastor for advice. Remember: don't make a decision you'll regret someday.

"Do not arouse or awaken love until it so desires." ~Song of Songs 3:5

Romance From a New Perspective

It has been quite a long time since I have blogged about romance. Once upon a time, it used to be my hottest topic. There was a time long ago when I wrote post after post about romance, with topics ranging from purity to temptation to dating. A lot has happened since the days that romance and dating were the hot topics here on my blog.

I'm very proud to say that the lovely lady in my profile picture is my beautiful girlfriend Abby. We've been going out since May 13th. We were good friends for a few months and I asked her to go to prom with me as just friends. But of course, as time went on, we didn't stay "just friends." As we got closer and closer to prom, we began to hang out more and more. I loved being around her because she was sweet, kind, loving, loyal, smart, mature, Godly, and so beautiful. She was a really good friend and we could just talk the day away. And a few weeks before prom, I began to realize I was developing a little crush. That crush kept growing, and I decided that I would tell no one about it until God gave me a peace about it. After holding on to it for a few weeks, my feelings intensified like crazy and I felt such a weird peace about her. It was this crazy weird peace that I had only felt about a few other things in life. I prayed and prayed about a relationship with her and just felt God nudging me in that direction.

I planned on talking to her dad first because I have a great relationship with him and because he's my youth pastor. But the night before prom, we were out shopping for Mother's Day together and we were trying to agree on a good place for dinner. Neither one of us wanted to make a decision (a problem that's never gone away) so we were throwing suggestions out. As we passed an O'Charley's, I suggested it and she said, "I like O'Charley's!" In that moment, I thought "Well, I like you!" and I just caught myself before blurting it out. I began to laugh at the awkwardness that had almost just happened and she of course wanted to know what was so funny. I told her that I had thought of something but couldn't say it because it would make things awkward. She apparently thought it was just a perverted or dumb joke or something, so for the next hour, she was constantly asking me to tell her what it was. I promised I would tell her later. So when we got in the car after dinner, she wanted to know then and there what I had thought. I told her it was just too awkward but she insisted on knowing. When we got to our destination, I told her that I liked her, and after a few awkward moments, she told me that she liked me too. That was music to my ears! I was so scared that she might not like me.

On the next time, prom was so awkward and wonderful at the same time! We had so much fun and despite the awkwardness of us liking each other and wanting to be romantic but we couldn't because we were still just friends, I have many good memories of the night. It was such a special and magical night! Two days after prom, I asked her to be my girlfriend while our families were out to lunch and we became "Facebook official", as we've come to say it nowadays. And that is our beginning! It's the start of a wonderful and amazing journey, one that I hope with my whole heart will never end.

Now the reason I share this is because some time ago, Abby challenged me to write about romance from the perspective and the experience I now have. She pointed out to me that all of my previous posts on romance are great, but I wrote them from inexperience. I had never been in a real relationship, and so as great as they are, I believe you do have to take the advice I gave with a little bit of salt. Now the parts about what the Bible says, such as what I wrote about pre-marital sex and all that? That hasn't changed, and it shouldn't ever change. What the Bible has to say about sex and temptation is timeless. But I'll be honest: I wrote the majority of my posts on dating back when I was immature and slightly legalistic.

As I have matured and been in a relationship since then, I can look back and see how foolish and indignant I was. Thankfully, I have matured a lot since the start of the year, and especially since I've had a girlfriend to keep me in line. But now I see things a little bit differently now and some of my opinions and standards have changed. I'd love to share with you my new perspectives and opinions, so if you're interested, make sure you remember to check back early next week for my next post!

Servant Romance: The Five Questions

How can you know what is right and wrong in a relationship/friendship with someone of the opposite sex? We've already said that you'll need wisdom in order to have that kind of discernment. But don't worry: I'm not going to leave you and make you figure it all out yourself.

I've come up with a system that should help you discern if something is appropriate or inappropriate. Whenever you're trying to decide if an action with or towards the opposite sex is right or wrong, ask yourself these five questions:

• Does it respect him/her?
• Will it make him/her feel valuable?
• Does it esteem or honor him/her?
• Is it modest?
• Is it pure?

If you can confidently answer "Yes" to each of the five questions, then it's okay. If it passes the five questions, then it's okay to do it. Let's test it with some hypothetical scenarios and see whether or not it really works.

Let's say I wanted to know if it'd be okay for my girlfriend and I to have sex. This immediately fails the test. In fact, it doesn't pass a single question. God tells us to keep sex inside marriage, so sex outside of marriage is automatically a sin.

But let's say my girlfriend and I just wanted to make out, get a little handsy, and maybe even get naked. Does this pass? No way! Once again, it fails all five qualifiers. Even though you aren't having sexual intercourse, you're not showing respect, you aren't valuing, you aren't honoring, your intentions are sinful, and it's completely impure.

Now let's say that I just want to kiss my girlfriend goodnight. This one gets a little trickier, and you especially need to use your wisdom and discernment here. Many of my Christian friends- myself included- have committed to saving their first kiss for the the wedding altar. But I also know many more Christians who are fine with kissing before marriage. My thinking is that if I wouldn't kiss someone who isn't my wife when I'm married, why is it okay for me to kiss someone who isn't my wife before I'm married? I also know that kissing awakens a desire to do more (a.k.a., have sex), and I don't want to have to deal with that temptation any more than I have to. And I believe that to save my first kiss for marriage would honor my wife more than anything else I could do. So is it wrong to kiss before marriage? I think it is. I think if you are serious about sexual purity, honor, and respect, you would wait. To me, not waiting says that you aren't taking it as seriously as you should or that your intentions aren't right in the first place.

Let's step away from the sex side of things and look at hugs. Are hugs okay? If done with the right intentions, I think so. I can't see how a hug could be disrespectful, or dishonoring, or impure, or anything like that. And what about side hugs? I typically use side hugs only for a girl I don't know that well. If I know the girl, I give full hugs. Now yes, some people are huggers, and some aren't. And that's okay. If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it. But please don't judge others for holding different convictions than you on this one.

I'm sure you can see that these five questions can be applied to any situation and will still produce a wise and correct answer. Whether you want to know about holding hands, kissing on the cheek, sitting close to each other, snuggling, or any other question you have, it will give you an answer you can trust. Just remember to answer each question honestly, and without bias.

The guiding principles of servant romance are respect, value, honor, modesty, and purity, and the overarching theme is to treat others in the way you want to be treated. Follow the principles of servant romance and your friendships will blossom and thrive, and you will have less heartache and less difficulty when it comes to romantic relationships. Become a servant leader in romance and in friendships.

1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

Purity: God's Standards on Sex

When it comes to purity, some people get pretty uncomfortable. It seems that in church, sex is a four letter word. It's kind of awkward to talk about, so we often avoid it altogether. Instead of enduring the awkwardness and facing our fears, we sweep this topic under the rug. But it's such an important conversation to have. The Bible says some very strong things about sexual purity, and they are not to be ignored. And since we are in a series talking about romance and relationships, purity is very relevant and germane to servant romance.

So why is purity important? It is important first and foremost because it is important to God. Ephesians 5:3, 5 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people... For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God." It seems to me that this passage is saying that sexual purity and salvation are directly related. Sexual impurity is improper for God's holy people. And why is that? Because immoral and impure people have no place in heaven. It's obvious, then, that God has very specific and detailed expectations about the sexual purity of His people. So what are they?

Very simply, God says to keep all-things-sex within marriage. If you do that, you won't have any problems. In fact, when married couples have sex, God says that it is good. In Genesis 1, the very first chapter of the Bible, God tells mankind, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." He created us to have sex. He gave us the desire. He could have made reproduction as boring and uneventful as sneezing. He could have even made us asexual! But He didn't. Instead, He made intercourse to be wonderful and passionate, the way a husband and wife show their love and become one. God loves us so much that He went out of His way to make reproduction very pleasurable.

But He didn't create sex to be experienced outside of a marriage bond. It is when a sexual act happens outside of marriage that it becomes a sin, and thus a problem. There's no other way around it. Any sexual activity outside of marriage is against God's will and it is wrong. So what hope do we have if we have messed up in the past? The truth is that no one is perfect. We have all been sexually immoral before, whether it was in thought or action. The good news for us is that God is a God of forgiveness, and when we become Christians, followers of Jesus and children of God, we are made new in Christ. The old has died, and you are a new creation.

Colossians 3:2-5 says, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." This is saying that when you decided to give your life to God, you died. The old you, in all your sin and guilt, died. Your life is now in Christ. And now that you are a child of the Living God, you are a brand new creation. You have new life and are a new person. You are no longer a slave to sin. Because of the Spirit that lives in you, you now have the power to say "no" to sin. Because of the power of His Spirit, you can put to death the things that belong to your earthly nature, things such as sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed. You don't have to live that lifestyle anymore. You have the power through God's Spirit to walk away from it. It doesn't matter how deep you are into sin. God's love and forgiveness are bigger than your sin. You may still have to deal with earthly consequences to your actions, but God forgives you when you repent.

Now before we close, there's one last thing we want to know: What do we have to do to become pure? I will answer with Proverb 4:23-27: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil." Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Keep your heart pure, and your intentions and thoughts will be pure. Put away perversity from your mouth and keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Keep your mouth and conversations clean and you will avoid many temptations and be on the path of purity. Let your eyes look straight ahead and fix your gaze directly before you. If you keep your eyes fixed on what is most important, you won't waste your time looking at things you have no business viewing. And finally, don't swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil. Stay on the path of purity and don't wander off of it.

"He whose walk is blameless is kept safe, but he whose ways are perverse will suddenly fall," Proverbs 28:18.

Modesty: The Character and Content of the Heart

When we talk about modesty, more often than not, we are talking about appropriate clothing for women. Modest is the term we use when we talk about appropriate or inappropriate clothing. If we think an outfit is appropriate, then we say it is modest. But if we think an outfit shows too much skin, we call it immodest. However, this isn't all that modesty means. Yes, it does have to do with proper clothing, but like all other things in the Bible, what's inside matters more than what's outside.

Modesty is important because it is about the condition of your heart. Without modesty, your relationships won't function in a Godly manner. If your heart is not modest, then pride and arrogance and selfishness will be your downfall. If you want your friendships and your relationships to be Godly and Christlike, then you have to approach them with humility and you have to commit to purity. If you want servant romance, you have to have a modest heart.

So is your heart modest? I think to answer that question, we need to know what it means to be modest. One definition of modest in the dictionary says, "having a moderate estimate of oneself." Another definition says, "free from taint of sex." And yet another says, "not making excessive claims about oneself." I believe that to be modest means to have humility and purity. I think that to be modest means you are humble and authentic, and free from impurity.

Modesty isn't just about clothing. It all comes down to your heart. It's about the character of your heart; it's about your principles, your purity, and your attitude. When we talk about modesty, we shouldn't just be talking about whether or not someone is showing too much skin. The focus should be more on the heart than the skin. As important as it is to dress appropriately, even evil women can dress appropriately. I have met women who hide very twisted and dark hearts behind a very lovely and attractive exterior. The emphasis has to be on the heart, because physical appearances can and will lead us astray.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'" Isn't this so true? Man looks at the outward appearance. We look at people and judge them by appearances or impressions. We tend to overlook the content of their heart. But the Lord looks at the heart. He doesn't look at the things we look at. And that's why it is so dangerous to get caught up in appearances: they don't matter to God. He looks at the heart.

And because we as Christians should be pursuing Christ, we too should look at the heart. We should avoid making judgments by appearances and impressions, because these do not matter to God. The character and content of your heart are what matters.

Respect: Treating Others How You Want To Be Treated

When it comes to relationships and friendships, respect has to be one of the foundational qualities. In other words, respect needs to be one of the cornerstones of a friendship or a relationship. Why? The answer is simple: If you don't respect the other person, you won't have much of a friendship or relationship with him or her. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you have to respect that person. Whether it's a friend, teacher, coach, parent, youth pastor, girlfriend, or co-worker, your relationship with that person will be terrible if you don't respect each other.

Now what exactly is respect? You may or may not know this, but Jesus gave us the definition of respect. In Luke 6:31, He says, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." I believe that to respect someone means to treat that person how you want to be treated. That is so crucial to servant romance that I will repeat it: To respect someone means to treat that person how you want to be treated. So the question now is, how do you want to be treated? Chances are that you want to be treated with honor, dignity, and respect. You want people to be patient with you, kind with you, humble towards you, respectful of you, selfless for you, honest with you, forgiving towards you, and committed to you. If you want to be treated that way, treat others that way. The saying goes, "If you want a friend, be a friend." The same is true of respect. If you want to be respected, then respect others.

So respect is very important. Guys should respect girls, and girls should respect guys. When one doesn't respect the other, it can get pretty nasty. But what are some ways you can be respectful? In other words, what are some down-to-earth ways to apply respect to your relationships? The answer is pretty simple: Guys should be gentlemen, and girls should be ladies. Respect can be formed in the simplest of ways. If you want to respect someone, then be polite, be chivalrous, and be kind. Treat that person how you would want to be treated. But it can also get complicated. Sometimes, the best way to respect someone is to give them privacy or to leave them alone. When someone is having a bad day, they may not want to hang out with you or talk to you or even text you. And you should respect that. Remember that respect means treating someone how you want to be treated. If you like being left alone on bad days, or even if you don't, do what they want and thus show them respect.

The point of respecting someone is to show them how important they are. So get out there and show your friends how important they are! Treat them how you want to be treated.

Servant Romance: A Different Way To Look At

Have you ever thought about applying servant leadership to the area of romance? It probably isn't the first thing that comes to your mind when you think of servant leadership, but believe it or not, servant leadership and Christlike romance have a lot in common. I don't know about you, but when I think of a servant leader, I think of a leader who is patient, kind, humble, respectful, selfless, honest, forgiving, and committed. I think of a leader who loves those he leads and empowers them to do great things. I think of a leader who generates a lot of results and has strong and lasting relationships with his associates. I look at this type of leader and it just makes sense to me that this same style of leadership has to be the best way to treat the person you're interested in. In fact, I think it's the best way to treat anyone, whether stranger, acquaintance, friend, family, or lover.

Lately, I've been giving a lot of thought to how Christian teenagers and young adults of the opposite sex should treat each other. I've been asking a lot of questions like, Is it okay for me hug a teenage girl? Are side hugs more appropriate or just a cop-out? Why do some people come up with so many rules for teenagers that restrict how they can physically interact? I even had a reader comment on a recent post and ask me what I thought the proper conduct and rules should be for how the opposite sexes interact. I'm glad this reader asked because it got me thinking about what my standards are, and just as importantly, how to decide what my standards need to be.

The real question that I and many others are asking is: What should my convictions be? Like I said, I've given this a lot of thought this past weekend and am proud to say that I think I've come up with the answer to that question.

And so I'm going to start a new series called Servant Romance. It's a concept born from combining servant leadership with romantic love. Not only will this series cover how to interact with a boyfriend/girlfriend or a fiance, it will also cover the Christlike way to interact with friends of the opposite sex. In Servant Romance, there will be five key qualities that I will constantly be referring to. As with the servant leadership series, each quality of servant romance will be covered in its own post. Those five qualities are:

• Respect
• Value
• Honor
• Modesty
• Purity

I'm very excited about this series and can't wait to share what I've discovered with you! It's opened my eyes to new way to view and to treat the opposite gender. I hope it will impact you just like it's impacted me.

There's one last thing I want to note. If you are someone who thinks the best way teenagers of the opposite gender can interact is if they follow strict rules or a bunch of dos and don'ts, then I ask you to keep an open mind because servant romance does not rely on rules or regulations. Our relationship with Christ is free from laws and rules and checklists, so it only makes sense that our relationships with other people are the same way. Jesus said that the greatest thing we could do is to "Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind" (Matt. 22:37). There's nothing better we can do with our lives than to bring him glory, honor, praise, and attention. But do you know how to do that? How can we bring God glory, honor, praise, and attention? To answer that question, we have to understand the second greatest command that Jesus gave us. Do you know what it is? Jesus said that the second greatest command is to "Love your neighbor as yourself" (Matt. 22:39). Christ says it again in John 13:34 by saying, "Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another." If our relationship with Christ doesn't depend on a check list, man-made rules, or a bunch of dos and don'ts, what makes us think that our relationship with others is any different?

Now please don't misinterpret what I'm saying. I'm not saying there shouldn't be guidelines or restrictions. There are some God-given commands pertaining to how the opposite genders interact that we should follow since they are from God. Can you think of any? The most prominent in my mind is to be pure from sexual immorality. Now this makes sense because sex is designed to stay inside marriage. Thus, any sexual actions outside of marriage are not what God wants and thus are sin. So yes, there are some rules, and we need to follow these rules. Rules like these are there for our benefit. If a rule is there to protect us, and if breaking that rule is sure to result in negative consequences, then that rule is good and it is good to follow it. Sex is a perfect example of this type of rule. But if a rule does not really protect us from anything, and if there's not a guarantee that negative things will come if that rule is broken, then that rule is useless and pointless, and it doesn't need to be followed. For example, if a youth pastor told his youth group that the young men and women in the group will not be allowed to hug, I would definitely say that rule is a joke. Why? Because it doesn't actually protect you from something (whereas abstinence protects you from STDs, heartache, guilt, shame, childbirth, sin, etc.) and it doesn't bring about negative consequences (who doesn't like a good hug?!).

So as we look at how servant leadership and romance combine, keep an open mind. I've learned a lot of new things and redefined some of my own personal boundaries and convictions just by evaluating what purpose my convictions serve and also where I got my convictions from. I promise that if you keep an open mind and an open heart, you'll be amazed at what you find.