Servant Romance: The Five Questions

How can you know what is right and wrong in a relationship/friendship with someone of the opposite sex? We've already said that you'll need wisdom in order to have that kind of discernment. But don't worry: I'm not going to leave you and make you figure it all out yourself.

I've come up with a system that should help you discern if something is appropriate or inappropriate. Whenever you're trying to decide if an action with or towards the opposite sex is right or wrong, ask yourself these five questions:

• Does it respect him/her?
• Will it make him/her feel valuable?
• Does it esteem or honor him/her?
• Is it modest?
• Is it pure?

If you can confidently answer "Yes" to each of the five questions, then it's okay. If it passes the five questions, then it's okay to do it. Let's test it with some hypothetical scenarios and see whether or not it really works.

Let's say I wanted to know if it'd be okay for my girlfriend and I to have sex. This immediately fails the test. In fact, it doesn't pass a single question. God tells us to keep sex inside marriage, so sex outside of marriage is automatically a sin.

But let's say my girlfriend and I just wanted to make out, get a little handsy, and maybe even get naked. Does this pass? No way! Once again, it fails all five qualifiers. Even though you aren't having sexual intercourse, you're not showing respect, you aren't valuing, you aren't honoring, your intentions are sinful, and it's completely impure.

Now let's say that I just want to kiss my girlfriend goodnight. This one gets a little trickier, and you especially need to use your wisdom and discernment here. Many of my Christian friends- myself included- have committed to saving their first kiss for the the wedding altar. But I also know many more Christians who are fine with kissing before marriage. My thinking is that if I wouldn't kiss someone who isn't my wife when I'm married, why is it okay for me to kiss someone who isn't my wife before I'm married? I also know that kissing awakens a desire to do more (a.k.a., have sex), and I don't want to have to deal with that temptation any more than I have to. And I believe that to save my first kiss for marriage would honor my wife more than anything else I could do. So is it wrong to kiss before marriage? I think it is. I think if you are serious about sexual purity, honor, and respect, you would wait. To me, not waiting says that you aren't taking it as seriously as you should or that your intentions aren't right in the first place.

Let's step away from the sex side of things and look at hugs. Are hugs okay? If done with the right intentions, I think so. I can't see how a hug could be disrespectful, or dishonoring, or impure, or anything like that. And what about side hugs? I typically use side hugs only for a girl I don't know that well. If I know the girl, I give full hugs. Now yes, some people are huggers, and some aren't. And that's okay. If you aren't comfortable with it, don't do it. But please don't judge others for holding different convictions than you on this one.

I'm sure you can see that these five questions can be applied to any situation and will still produce a wise and correct answer. Whether you want to know about holding hands, kissing on the cheek, sitting close to each other, snuggling, or any other question you have, it will give you an answer you can trust. Just remember to answer each question honestly, and without bias.

The guiding principles of servant romance are respect, value, honor, modesty, and purity, and the overarching theme is to treat others in the way you want to be treated. Follow the principles of servant romance and your friendships will blossom and thrive, and you will have less heartache and less difficulty when it comes to romantic relationships. Become a servant leader in romance and in friendships.

1 Timothy 4:12 says, "Don’t let anyone look down on you because you are young, but set an example for the believers in speech, in life, in love, in faith and in purity."

Purity: God's Standards on Sex

When it comes to purity, some people get pretty uncomfortable. It seems that in church, sex is a four letter word. It's kind of awkward to talk about, so we often avoid it altogether. Instead of enduring the awkwardness and facing our fears, we sweep this topic under the rug. But it's such an important conversation to have. The Bible says some very strong things about sexual purity, and they are not to be ignored. And since we are in a series talking about romance and relationships, purity is very relevant and germane to servant romance.

So why is purity important? It is important first and foremost because it is important to God. Ephesians 5:3, 5 says, "But among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality, or of any kind of impurity, or of greed, because these are improper for God’s holy people... For of this you can be sure: No immoral, impure or greedy person—such a man is an idolater—has any inheritance in the kingdom of Christ and of God." It seems to me that this passage is saying that sexual purity and salvation are directly related. Sexual impurity is improper for God's holy people. And why is that? Because immoral and impure people have no place in heaven. It's obvious, then, that God has very specific and detailed expectations about the sexual purity of His people. So what are they?

Very simply, God says to keep all-things-sex within marriage. If you do that, you won't have any problems. In fact, when married couples have sex, God says that it is good. In Genesis 1, the very first chapter of the Bible, God tells mankind, "Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it." He created us to have sex. He gave us the desire. He could have made reproduction as boring and uneventful as sneezing. He could have even made us asexual! But He didn't. Instead, He made intercourse to be wonderful and passionate, the way a husband and wife show their love and become one. God loves us so much that He went out of His way to make reproduction very pleasurable.

But He didn't create sex to be experienced outside of a marriage bond. It is when a sexual act happens outside of marriage that it becomes a sin, and thus a problem. There's no other way around it. Any sexual activity outside of marriage is against God's will and it is wrong. So what hope do we have if we have messed up in the past? The truth is that no one is perfect. We have all been sexually immoral before, whether it was in thought or action. The good news for us is that God is a God of forgiveness, and when we become Christians, followers of Jesus and children of God, we are made new in Christ. The old has died, and you are a new creation.

Colossians 3:2-5 says, "Set your minds on things above, not on earthly things. For you died, and your life is now hidden with Christ in God. When Christ, who is your life, appears, then you also will appear with him in glory. Put to death, therefore, whatever belongs to your earthly nature: sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed, which is idolatry." This is saying that when you decided to give your life to God, you died. The old you, in all your sin and guilt, died. Your life is now in Christ. And now that you are a child of the Living God, you are a brand new creation. You have new life and are a new person. You are no longer a slave to sin. Because of the Spirit that lives in you, you now have the power to say "no" to sin. Because of the power of His Spirit, you can put to death the things that belong to your earthly nature, things such as sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, and greed. You don't have to live that lifestyle anymore. You have the power through God's Spirit to walk away from it. It doesn't matter how deep you are into sin. God's love and forgiveness are bigger than your sin. You may still have to deal with earthly consequences to your actions, but God forgives you when you repent.

Now before we close, there's one last thing we want to know: What do we have to do to become pure? I will answer with Proverb 4:23-27: "Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Put away perversity from your mouth; keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Let your eyes look straight ahead, fix your gaze directly before you. Make level paths for your feet and take only ways that are firm. Do not swerve to the right or the left; keep your foot from evil." Guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life. Keep your heart pure, and your intentions and thoughts will be pure. Put away perversity from your mouth and keep corrupt talk far from your lips. Keep your mouth and conversations clean and you will avoid many temptations and be on the path of purity. Let your eyes look straight ahead and fix your gaze directly before you. If you keep your eyes fixed on what is most important, you won't waste your time looking at things you have no business viewing. And finally, don't swerve to the right or to the left; keep your foot from evil. Stay on the path of purity and don't wander off of it.

"He whose walk is blameless is kept safe, but he whose ways are perverse will suddenly fall," Proverbs 28:18.

Modesty: The Character and Content of the Heart

When we talk about modesty, more often than not, we are talking about appropriate clothing for women. Modest is the term we use when we talk about appropriate or inappropriate clothing. If we think an outfit is appropriate, then we say it is modest. But if we think an outfit shows too much skin, we call it immodest. However, this isn't all that modesty means. Yes, it does have to do with proper clothing, but like all other things in the Bible, what's inside matters more than what's outside.

Modesty is important because it is about the condition of your heart. Without modesty, your relationships won't function in a Godly manner. If your heart is not modest, then pride and arrogance and selfishness will be your downfall. If you want your friendships and your relationships to be Godly and Christlike, then you have to approach them with humility and you have to commit to purity. If you want servant romance, you have to have a modest heart.

So is your heart modest? I think to answer that question, we need to know what it means to be modest. One definition of modest in the dictionary says, "having a moderate estimate of oneself." Another definition says, "free from taint of sex." And yet another says, "not making excessive claims about oneself." I believe that to be modest means to have humility and purity. I think that to be modest means you are humble and authentic, and free from impurity.

Modesty isn't just about clothing. It all comes down to your heart. It's about the character of your heart; it's about your principles, your purity, and your attitude. When we talk about modesty, we shouldn't just be talking about whether or not someone is showing too much skin. The focus should be more on the heart than the skin. As important as it is to dress appropriately, even evil women can dress appropriately. I have met women who hide very twisted and dark hearts behind a very lovely and attractive exterior. The emphasis has to be on the heart, because physical appearances can and will lead us astray.

1 Samuel 16:7 says, "But the Lord said to Samuel, 'Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.'" Isn't this so true? Man looks at the outward appearance. We look at people and judge them by appearances or impressions. We tend to overlook the content of their heart. But the Lord looks at the heart. He doesn't look at the things we look at. And that's why it is so dangerous to get caught up in appearances: they don't matter to God. He looks at the heart.

And because we as Christians should be pursuing Christ, we too should look at the heart. We should avoid making judgments by appearances and impressions, because these do not matter to God. The character and content of your heart are what matters.

Honor: Fight Like A Knight

When I hear the word honor, I first think of medieval knights. I think of how they valued things like honor and valor. These guys live and died, fought and killed for their own honor, and to honor the king they fought for. Their lives were based on honor. Everything revolved around honor. They would act only if it would bring honor and glory to the king or lord that they served. It was everything to them.

I don't think it is much different when it comes to relationships. And that's why honor is the third quality of servant romance. Honor has to be one of the key qualities in your relationships, or else the relationship will fail. And why is that? Why is honor so important? As a friend of mine once told me, if you can't honor someone, you can't love them. It's important because if you are constantly dishonoring the other person, you're basically committing relationship suicide.

I think that almost everything about a relationship should revolve around honor. If what you do is honoring, then it's good. But if it's dishonoring, then don't do it. Think about it. Things like being sexually active, viewing pornography, or even gossiping are dishonoring to the person you are in a relationship with. It degrades and dishonors them. If you have sex with someone, not only is that dishonoring to that person, it is blatant disregard for God. And if you gossip about someone or if you're mean to someone, that's dishonoring to them because it isn't respectful.

I think that honor is basically respect on steroids. Remember that respect means to treat others as important people and to treat others how you want to be treated. Honor basically means to have high regard and respect for someone. It takes respect to a whole new level. To honor someone is to go above and beyond simple respect.

I am trying to honor my future wife as much as possible, even though I'm single and have no idea who she is yet. I know that being a husband is a big job and it takes a lot of work, so I take my education, my job, and my leadership roles very seriously because I want to be ready for it. I do things like choose to stay sexually pure in mind, heart, and body because I want to honor her in that way. I want to show her my loyalty and my love by not only staying faithful during marriage, but before it.

I want to show respect for my future wife now by being faithful. I want to honor her by growing up to be a young man that she deserves. But I don't even know who she is yet. So what about the people that I already know? How can I honor my friends, my co-workers, my teachers, my superiors at work, and even those I don't get along with? I try to treat others the way I want to be treated. That's just important to me that I do that. The Bible tells us to do it, so it's important to me. And I don't know how you feel, but I want to be honored by my peers. I want to be honored and respected, so I try to treat other people that way. It doesn't always happen because I'm human and I make mistakes, but it's something to strive for.

In Luke 6:31, Jesus says, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." I think this is what it all comes down to. Treat others in the way you want to be treated. I want people to be patient with me. I want them to be kind to me. I want my friends to be humble, and not prideful. I want them to have respect for me. I want them to be selfless, thinking of others before themselves. I want others to be forgiving of me when I mess up. I want them to be honest with me, because I hate being lied to. And I want them to be committed to our relationship. If these are the things I want from other people, then this is what I should expect from myself. I want to be a servant leader. And honoring other people is a key part of that.

What if we became knights of honor? What if we started to fight for honor in the same way that medieval knights did? How different would our relationships be if we valued honor as much as knights did? I challenge you to learn to honor your friends, family, and everyone else in your life. Extend your servant leadership to include honor. Honor others in the way you want to be honored. Fight for honor like a knight.

Romans 12:10 says, "Honor one another above yourselves."

Value: Loving the Potter By Loving the Pots

How do you make someone feel valuable?

This has been a question that guys have been asking for centuries. We want to know how to make girls feel important, and we want to know how to tell girls how much we value them. For some guys, it's hard to express our feelings and show that we care. But this is a question that isn't restricted to how men treat women: it's a question that applies to every kind of relationship. As the owner of a small business company, how can you make your employees feel valued? As the pastor of a church, how can you make your church family feel important? As a little league baseball coach, how can you show them that they are worth something? As a parent, how can you show your children that you care?

I believe that the first two qualities of servant romance- respect and value- are intertwined and interrelated. I believe that respecting someone and valuing someone are very similar. To respect means to treat others as if they are important. That means you treat those in lowly positions with the same regard as those with in high positions. You give equal respect to everyone, and you respect everyone. But respect also means to treat others the same way you want to be treated. The definition of value is very similar. To value someone means to treat someone as if they are worth something- because they are.

So how do you show people that you think they are worth something? Ultimately, it's all in how you treat them. To make someone feel valuable, you have to make them feel like they are important and uniquely gifted. You have to make them feel like they can contribute and be beneficial. And you've got show them that you care about them enough to invest in them.

The best example of this in all of history is Jesus Christ. Think about it. He loved His followers enough to die for them. That takes value to a whole new level. In John 15:13, Jesus says, "Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends." Not many leaders in history have died to save their followers. But Jesus did. And He took it to a whole new level.

If you want to be like Christ, then make your friends, your peers, your family, and everyone else in your life feel valued. Don't make the mistake of taking them for granted- you never know how much time you have left with them. Also, don't make the mistake of thinking you are better than someone else. God values all people the same, and it's disrespectful to God to be disrespectful to others. If you're not convinced, then read Matthew 25:31-46. It's the parable of the Sheep and the Goats, and the point Jesus gets across is that how you treat people is really how you are treating God. If you don't value the pots, you don't value the Potter. And if you don't value the creation, you don't value the Creator. So if you want to love God, then love the people He died for.

Respect: Treating Others How You Want To Be Treated

When it comes to relationships and friendships, respect has to be one of the foundational qualities. In other words, respect needs to be one of the cornerstones of a friendship or a relationship. Why? The answer is simple: If you don't respect the other person, you won't have much of a friendship or relationship with him or her. In order to have a good relationship with someone, you have to respect that person. Whether it's a friend, teacher, coach, parent, youth pastor, girlfriend, or co-worker, your relationship with that person will be terrible if you don't respect each other.

Now what exactly is respect? You may or may not know this, but Jesus gave us the definition of respect. In Luke 6:31, He says, "Do to others as you would have them do to you." I believe that to respect someone means to treat that person how you want to be treated. That is so crucial to servant romance that I will repeat it: To respect someone means to treat that person how you want to be treated. So the question now is, how do you want to be treated? Chances are that you want to be treated with honor, dignity, and respect. You want people to be patient with you, kind with you, humble towards you, respectful of you, selfless for you, honest with you, forgiving towards you, and committed to you. If you want to be treated that way, treat others that way. The saying goes, "If you want a friend, be a friend." The same is true of respect. If you want to be respected, then respect others.

So respect is very important. Guys should respect girls, and girls should respect guys. When one doesn't respect the other, it can get pretty nasty. But what are some ways you can be respectful? In other words, what are some down-to-earth ways to apply respect to your relationships? The answer is pretty simple: Guys should be gentlemen, and girls should be ladies. Respect can be formed in the simplest of ways. If you want to respect someone, then be polite, be chivalrous, and be kind. Treat that person how you would want to be treated. But it can also get complicated. Sometimes, the best way to respect someone is to give them privacy or to leave them alone. When someone is having a bad day, they may not want to hang out with you or talk to you or even text you. And you should respect that. Remember that respect means treating someone how you want to be treated. If you like being left alone on bad days, or even if you don't, do what they want and thus show them respect.

The point of respecting someone is to show them how important they are. So get out there and show your friends how important they are! Treat them how you want to be treated.